


Anything You Can Do...

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, War of the Ring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-24 20:08:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3782684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the song of the same name in "Annie Get Your Gun". Can't imagine where this idea came from...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anything You Can Do...

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

**"Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better"**  
(Based on the song of the same name from _Annie Get your Gun_ )

_Gimli:_ Anything you can do, I can do better.  
I can do anything better than you.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can, yes I can!

Any count you can make, I can make greater  
Sooner or later, I'm greater than you.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can, yes I can!  
Helm's Deep: "Two already!"  
 _Legolas:_ I had twenty, shooting steady  
 _Gimli:_ Twenty-one! (Pardon my smirk)  
 _Legolas:_ Twenty-four, with knife-work.  
 _Gimli:_ My final tally: forty-two.  
 _Legolas:_ One more than me?  
 _Gimli:_ Yes!  
 _Legolas:_ Aiee!  
( _Gimli:_ In the movie, forty-three!)

_Gimli:_ Anything you can say, I can say sweeter -  
I can speak with more eloquence than you!  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can, yes, I can!  
Here, look: *pulls out _The Return of the King_ , flips to "The Road to Isengard"* - _'And Legolas, when the torches are kindled and men walk on the sandy floors under the echoing domes, ah! then, Legolas, gems and crystals and veins of precious ores glint in the polished walls, and the light glows through folded marbles, shell-like, translucent as the living hands of Queen Galadriel….'_ Heard enough?  
 _Legolas:_ Well, I -  
 _Gimli:_ Wait! Here's you on the same topic: (*flips to "Many Partings"*) - _'…And when they returned Legolas was silent, and would only say that Gimli alone could find fit words to speak of [the Caves].'_  
There, you said it yourself!  
Pretty sad for an Elf.

_Legolas:_ I was being polite.  
I thought the Caves were a fright.

_Gimli growls_

_Gimli:_ Anyone you can peeve, I can peeve moreso -  
I can be far more annoying than you!  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I can.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you can't - wait, book or movie?  
 _Gimli (thinks fast):_ Movie.  
 _Legolas:_ All right, let's see.  
*clicks **play** *  
 _"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said?..." Boromir glares._  
 _Gimli:_ Oh, c'mon! I can take you!  
*clicks **play** *  
 _"Ishkhaqwi ai durugnul."_  
*switches discs*  
 _Gimli: "You give me your name, horsemaster…"_  
 _Legolas (defensive):_ I was on the last nerve of poor Boromir!  
 _Gimli (smug):_ But you didn't almost get poked by a spear.  
 _Legolas:_ Oh, fine.  
 _Gimli:_ You annoyed _me_ at Elrond's Council, if it makes you feel better…

Any smile you can get, I can get bigger -  
I provide more comic relief that you!  
 _Legolas:_ No y - Book or movie?  
 _Gimli (with confidence):_ Either.  
 _Legolas (thinking he's got him):_ Book!  
 _Gimli:_ *flips back to "The Road to Isengard* _'You rascals! You woolly-footed and wool-pated truants! A fine hunt you have led us! Two hundred leagues, through fen and forest, battle and death, to rescue you! And here we find you feasting and idling - and smoking! Smoking! Where did you come by the weed, you villains? Hammer and tongs! I am so torn between rage and joy, that if I do not burst, it will be a marvel!' 'You speak for me, Gimli,' laughed Legolas -_ \- There, see? And that's not even my best material.  
 _Legolas:_ Hmph.  
 _Gimli:_ Wait, I can find better!  
 _Legolas:_ That's all right - I concede.

_Gimli (now a little overconfident):_ Anything you can see I can see better -  
I have the eyes of a hawk, don't you know.  
 _Legolas:_ No, you don't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I do!  
 _Legolas:_ No, you don't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I do!  
 _Legolas:_ No, you don't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I do, yes I do!  
See, it says right here… *flips through pages* um… Wait, maybe it was…  
 _Legolas (takes book away, flips pages):_ *finds "The Riders of Rohan"* _Said Legolas, 'There are one hundred and five [Riders]. Yellow is their hair, and bright are their spears. Their leader is very tall… the riders are … five leagues distant._  
 _Gimli (blustering):_ Well - how could you tell the leader was so tall if he was on horseback?  
*Legolas just smiles*

_Gimli (the light of battle in his eye):_ Any fans you can win, I can win also - I've as big a fan-following as you!  
 _Legolas:_ No, you don't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I do!  
 _Legolas:_ No, you don't.  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I do!  
 _Legolas:_ No, you don't!  
 _Gimli:_ Yes, I do, yes I do!  
It's true, you don't see many Dwarf fan-girls - and in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance that they are often mistaken for _Elf_ fangirls! Which is, of course, ridiculous…  
 _Legolas:_ Dream on, axe-boy.

_Legolas:_ I can talk to any tree.  
 _Gimli:_ My good friend, better you than me.  
I can build whatever!  
 _Legolas:_ I can live forever!  
 _Gimli:_ I can list all my forebears!  
 _Legolas:_ I can *meet* most of my forebears…  
 _Gimli:_ I can grow a beard!  
 _Legolas:_ On me that would look weird.  
 _Gimli:_ I can do most anything!  
 _Legolas (sarcastically):_ Can you fly?  
 _Gimli:_ Well, no, but my father did … (In _The Hobbit_ \- on eagleback)  
 _Legolas:_ I'm a good deal taller.  
 _Gimli:_ I'm a better brawler.  
 _Legolas:_ Weather or toil's no object -  
My hair's always perfect.  
 _Gimli:_ "Pretty"'s not in my lexicon -  
That's why I keep my helmet on…  
 _Legolas:_ When I'd like a rest  
I'll take a ship into the West.  
 _Gimli:_ On that note, you've won -  
That beats all, bar none!  
 _Legolas:_ Wait, don't get me wrong -  
You'll be coming along!  
 _Both:_ Anything I can do, you can do with me -  
And sail off into the sunset at last!


End file.
